Choosing Who Lives With You, Fairly

Consider an example: an older homeowner might ask, "Am I allowed to choose who lives with me?"

It is a fair question, and underneath it is often a bigger one: will I still have a say in my own home? Sharing a kitchen, a hallway, and sometimes a bathroom with someone is personal. Wanting to feel at ease when you pour your morning coffee is reasonable.

At the same time, some older adults lived through years when housing discrimination was out in the open, and they want no part of it. People asking this question often want two things at once: to choose well and to be fair. This post explains the basics and where to get an answer for your situation.

What to know

Fair housing law applies to housing, and a room in your home is housing. What that means for you depends on federal, state, and local law together, and on your situation. Here is the standard HomeShare America uses across all of our posts.

Fair housing and choosing who you live with

Fair housing laws protect people from discrimination in housing based on race, color, religion, sex, national origin, disability, and familial status. Many states and cities protect more, such as age, sexual orientation, gender identity, marital status, source of income, or military status.

What federal law allows. The federal Fair Housing Act has an exemption, often called the "Mrs. Murphy" exemption, for an owner who lives in their own home and rents to others in a building with four or fewer units¹. That exemption covers whom you choose. It does not cover what you say: the Act's rule against discriminatory statements and advertising still applies to you².

State and local laws can be stricter. Some states and cities have a narrower exemption than federal law, or none, and some protect more groups. A choice that federal law allows may not be allowed where you live.

What we recommend. These practices fit within the Mrs. Murphy exemption and the rule on statements, and they are the careful choice wherever you live:

• Describe your home, your routines, and your house rules, not the person you hope to find. "Quiet home, no smoking, cat in residence, early bedtimes" tells people what they would be joining.
• Leave protected characteristics out of anything you write or say about the person you want: race, color, religion, sex, national origin, disability, whether they have children, and anything your state or city adds.
• Ask every person the same questions, and base your choice on how the two of you would live together.
• Keep short notes on why a match did or did not feel right, in terms of the household and daily life.

If you are unsure or concerned, talk with a fair housing expert before you post a listing or describe the person you hope to live with. A local fair housing organization, your state or city fair housing agency, or a legal aid office can tell you what applies where you live, and your Area Agency on Aging can refer you to one.

Why it exists

Fair housing laws exist because housing discrimination was widespread and legal for generations. Some readers remember signs and newspaper ads that said out loud who was not welcome³.

The rules on statements and advertising recognize that a public message of exclusion harms people even when no one is turned away in person. That includes a flyer on a bulletin board, a post online, or a listing on a website.

Why it deserves respect

Wanting to be comfortable in your own home is reasonable. So is wanting to treat people fairly. Holding both at once can feel complicated, and it is fine to say you do not know where the lines are. The law in this area is detailed and varies by place, which is why the right move is to ask before you write or say anything about the person you hope to live with.

What the evidence tells us

What makes a shared home work day to day is often how people live: whether someone is tidy, whether they come home at 2 a.m., whether they are comfortable with your cat, and whether they are willing to help with the walk in winter. Those things can be described plainly.

Describing your home and household in a listing ("quiet home, no smoking, cat in residence, early bedtimes") is good practice. It tells people what they would be joining. It does not settle every legal question on its own, and some household descriptions can still raise fair housing issues depending on the wording and where you live, so it is worth having a program or fair housing organization look at your listing.

Describing the kind of person you want by race, religion, national origin, disability, familial status, or another protected characteristic is where the risk is. That applies to what you say in conversation, not only what you write.

Ways to lower the barrier

• Describe your home, routines, and house rules in listings, not the person.
• Ask a home sharing program or a local fair housing organization (your Area Agency on Aging or legal aid office can refer you) to review your listing before you post it.
• Work through a program that follows fair housing rules and builds matches around compatibility.
• Ask every person the same questions, so your choice rests on the same kind of information.
• Keep notes on why you chose or did not choose someone, in terms of the household and how you live.
• If you have questions, free legal help for older adults may be available through your Area Agency on Aging⁴.

If you find that the rules do not leave you comfortable sharing your home, that is useful information, too. Some people decide a shared home is not for them, and that is a fine answer.

Conversation starters

If you are an adult child or friend raising home sharing with an older adult:

• "Let's write your listing around how you live, and ask the program to look it over."
• "What does a good day in your home look like? Let's start there."
• "If this part makes you uneasy about sharing at all, that is worth saying, and it is a fair place to stop."

If you are an older adult talking with family or caregivers:

• "I'm choosing for compatibility, and I checked the fair housing rules where I live."
• "My listing talks about my routines and my house, not about who I want."
• "I'm not sure yet whether this is for me, and I want to understand the rules before I decide."

Describe how you live, and ask before you describe who you want.

Home sharing and older adults

Home sharing works at any age. Older adults are one of the fastest-growing groups sharing a home with someone who is not family⁵. Knowing what you can and cannot say is part of making that choice with confidence.

Last reviewed September 25, 2026