You Don't Have to Become Best Friends

Consider an example: a home provider and a possible match meet for coffee. Both are hopeful, and both are privately worried. She wonders, "Will he expect me to cook for him and chat every evening?" He wonders, "Will she want me to be her best friend? I work long days. I just want a quiet place to come home to."

It turns out they want nearly the same thing. Neither had said it out loud.

Many people picture home sharing as all or nothing: either a stranger you avoid in the hallway, or a new best friend at the kitchen table every night. In real life, there is a lot of room between the two. This guide helps you think about where you would be comfortable.

A range, not a requirement

People who share a home settle into many kinds of relationships. Here are a few, and all of them can work:

• Friendly and independent. You say good morning, you respect each other's space, you mention it when the gutters need clearing. Each person has their own friends, meals, and plans.
• Good company now and then. A shared dinner once a week, a favorite TV show together, a chat on the porch when you both happen to be there.
• Close companions. Some people become genuine friends over time: sharing holidays, meeting each other's families, looking out for each other.

None of these is the right answer. The right answer is the one both people are comfortable with, and it can change over time. Many relationships start friendly and independent and grow closer at their own pace. Some stay pleasantly polite for years, and that is a success, too.

Why you might not want a new best friend

If the idea of a new close friendship feels tiring, that is not a sign something is wrong with you. The psychologist Laura Carstensen has found that as people get older, many become more selective about their relationships. They invest more in the people who matter most and spend less energy building new close ties¹. You may already have your inner circle: family, old friends, a faith community, a Tuesday card group. You do not need someone new to join it.

Why the in-between relationships still matter

Relationships that are friendly but not close can still make a real difference. The researcher Karen Fingerman calls them "consequential strangers": the neighbor, the barista, the person you chat with at the library. These ties can offer a sense of belonging, new ideas, and a bit of help without the emotional weight of a close relationship². In one study, people reported feeling happier and more connected on days when they had more interactions with these more casual contacts³.

A person you share a home with can be that kind of tie: someone who says hello, notices if the porch light is still on at noon, and makes the house feel a little less empty, without needing to become your confidant.

Name what you are hoping for

The home provider and the possible match in the example above could have saved themselves some worry with one honest conversation. Before you meet anyone, think about these questions. Then raise them early:

• Meals. Do I want to cook and eat on my own, share a meal now and then, or cook together often?
• Evenings and weekends. Do I picture spending time together in the shared rooms, or mostly in our own spaces?
• Mornings. Am I a "coffee and conversation" person or a "don't talk to me until nine" person?
• Holidays. Would I invite the other person to join, or would I rather keep them with my family?
• Checking in. Would I want the other person to notice if something seemed wrong, like a light left on or a newspaper not picked up? How would I want them to do it?
• Change over time. If one of us wants more closeness later, and the other does not, how should we handle it?

Our worksheet "What do you want in a match? 10 questions to ask yourself" includes a question about how connected you want to be. These questions help you answer it in detail.

When one person wants more than the other

Sometimes one person hopes for more company than the other wants to give. That does not have to end a good arrangement. It helps to:

• Say it kindly and plainly. "I enjoy our Sunday dinners. I'd like my weeknights to myself."
• Offer what you can. "I can't do movie nights, but I'd love to walk to the farmers market together on Saturdays."
• Agree on signals. Many people use a simple rule, such as "a closed door means not now." It protects everyone's peace without hurt feelings.
• Look for connection elsewhere, too. If you want more company than the person you share a home with can offer, a senior center, a class, a volunteer role, or a faith community can help fill that need.

Keep the line between company and care

Friendly company is not caregiving. Home sharing is housing. It is not caregiving, case management, counseling, or treatment. A ride to an appointment now and then is a courtesy between people who live together, not a duty. If either of you is hoping for regular help, read our guide "Help around the house is not caregiving" before you agree to anything.

A good home share does not require a best friend. It requires two people who agree on how much of each other's company they want.

Conversation starters

If you are an adult child or friend raising home sharing with an older adult:

• "You wouldn't have to entertain anyone. It could be as independent as you like."
• "Would you want someone to share dinner with sometimes, or just someone in the house?"
• "What would a good week look like, with someone else living there?"

If you are a home provider or home seeker talking with a possible match:

• "I'm friendly, and I also value my quiet time. What about you?"
• "What does a typical evening look like for you?"
• "If one of us wanted more or less time together later, how would you want me to bring it up?"

Home sharing and older adults

Home sharing works at any age. Older adults are one of the fastest-growing groups sharing a home with someone who is not family⁴, as home providers and as home seekers.

Last reviewed September 28, 2026