Remember When You Had a Roommate?

Consider an example: a retired machinist is asked whether he could ever share his house. "Me? I haven't lived with anybody but my wife in fifty years." Then he stops. "Well. There was the Navy. Four of us in a room the size of this kitchen for two years. And a fellow named Walt who snored like an outboard motor."

Many people who say they could never live with someone they did not grow up with have, at some point, done exactly that. They just have not thought about it in a long time.

This guide invites you to look back before you look ahead. Whatever you remember, good or bad, is useful information. It can tell you what you enjoyed, what you could not stand, and what you already know how to handle.

You may have more practice than you think

Think back through the places you have lived. Did any of them include someone who was not a spouse, partner, parent, or child? For example:

• A college dorm, a nursing school residence, or a shared apartment near campus
• A first apartment with a coworker, a friend of a friend, or someone from a newspaper ad
• Military barracks, ship quarters, or base housing
• A boarding house, a rented room in someone else's home, or a family who took in a boarder
• A convent, a seminary, a commune, a ranch bunkhouse, or seasonal work housing
• A friend who stayed "just for a few weeks" and stayed for a year

Sharing a home with people who are not relatives used to be ordinary. In 1930, about 4.6 million Americans lived as boarders or lodgers in someone else's household¹. Some readers grew up in a house like that. Some grandparents ran one.

Why looking back helps

Looking back on your life is not just nostalgia. The psychiatrist Robert Butler, who spent his career studying aging, argued that reviewing our past is a natural and healthy part of later life, a way of making sense of who we have become².

There is a practical reason, too. The psychologist Albert Bandura found that the strongest source of confidence in a new situation is having handled something similar before³. If you once worked out whose turn it was to buy toilet paper with someone you barely knew, you have done a version of this already. You also have decades of experience since then: running a household, working with people you did not choose, raising children or helping raise them, and settling disagreements with neighbors, coworkers, and in-laws.

Your earlier experience does not guarantee that sharing a home today would work. It does mean you are not starting from zero.

My roommate memories: a worksheet

Set aside half an hour with a notebook or a printed copy of this page. Answer for one shared living experience at a time. If you had several, start with the one you remember best.

Part 1: Then

1. Where and when was it? How old were you, and how long did it last?
2. Who did you live with? How did you end up together: chosen, assigned, or by chance?
3. What did you enjoy? Late-night talks, someone to split the groceries with, a person who noticed if you did not come home?
4. What drove you up the wall? Be specific. Dishes in the sink, the radio, the borrowed sweater, the boyfriend who never left.
5. How did you handle it? Did you say something, leave a note, stew in silence, or ask someone else to step in? How did that work out?
6. How did it end? Did one of you move on, did it fall apart, or did you stay in touch?

Part 2: Then and now

For each topic below, write a few words about how you were then and how you are now.

Part 3: Carry forward

1. What would I want again?
2. What would I never agree to again?
3. What would I handle differently now?
4. What would have made that arrangement work better? A written agreement, a lock on the door, a clearer split of the bills, a different person?

If your memories are mostly hard ones

Some people remember a roommate from decades ago and shudder. That is useful to know, not a verdict on the future.

Ask what made it hard. Many early shared living situations had little in common with a careful home share today. You may have been 19, sharing one small room, with someone you did not choose and never met beforehand, and with nothing written down. A matched home share usually starts differently: each person has a private bedroom, both people meet more than once before deciding, and expectations about rent, shared spaces, guests, and quiet hours are written into an agreement. Either person can say no before anything is signed.

If your hard memory points to something you truly cannot live with, such as smoking, a lot of overnight guests, or a messy kitchen, write it down. It belongs on your list of deal-breakers. Our guide "Pets, smoking, guests, and the thermostat" can help you sort those.

If you have never shared a home

That is more common than it used to be, and it is fine. You can still use the worksheet. Think about the closest experiences you have had: a shared hospital room, a long trip with a friend, a house full of relatives over the holidays, a shared office or break room. What did you learn about what you need from the people around you?

What to do with your answers

• Look at the "Now" column. It is a sketch of the kind of household you would be comfortable in today.
• Take your answers to our worksheet "What do you want in a match? 10 questions to ask yourself." Your memories will make those questions easier to answer.
• Tell the stories. Your memories can make good conversation with a possible match. "My first roommate taught me to label my shelf in the fridge" says a lot, kindly.
• Notice your confidence. If you handled a tough roommate at 22, what would you do differently with what you know now?

Whatever you remember, good or bad, is useful information. You are not starting from zero.

Conversation starters

If you are an adult child or friend raising home sharing with an older adult:

• "Did you ever have a roommate? I don't think I've heard those stories."
• "What was it like living in the barracks? How did you all get along?"
• "If you shared a place again, what would you do differently?"

If you are an older adult talking with family or friends:

• "I shared a two-bedroom with three nurses in 1971. I think I can manage one person and a lock on my door."
• "I've done this before. I'm just out of practice."
• "I remember what didn't work last time, and I know what I'd ask for now."

Home sharing and older adults

Home sharing works at any age. Older adults are one of the fastest-growing groups sharing a home with someone who is not family: households headed by someone 65 or older that share with unrelated people grew 2.7 times from 2005 to 2023⁴. In a 2026 review of intergenerational home sharing research, both older adults and students often reported enjoying the experience more than they had expected⁵.

Last reviewed October 15, 2026