Say What You Do, Not What You Are

Consider an example: two people both describe themselves as "neat." One wipes down the counter after every use. The other does the dishes when the sink is full. Both are telling the truth, and they would drive each other up the wall.

Words like quiet, social, clean, easygoing, and active sound helpful, but everyone means something different by them. In a shared home, the difference between two versions of "neat" is the difference between a peaceful kitchen and a daily irritation. The fix is simple: instead of telling people what you are, tell them what you do.

Why specifics work better

Profile advice written for people over 50 agrees on this point. OurTime suggests that instead of calling yourself "kind and honest," you describe what you actually do, such as walking three miles every morning or learning to bake bread¹. SilverSingles warns against being "generic" and suggests "something more personal" instead². AARP's 2026 guide likewise recommends showing your personality through specific lifestyle details rather than general adjectives³.

For home sharing, specifics do even more work. They let someone picture an ordinary evening in your house, which is exactly what they need to decide whether to reach out.

From labels to everyday details

• Instead of: "I'm quiet."
  Try: "Most evenings I'm reading or watching TV with the volume low, and I'm usually in bed by 10."
• Instead of: "I'm social."
  Try: "Family comes for dinner most weekends, and I have friends over for cards once or twice a month."
• Instead of: "I'm clean."
  Try: "I clean up the kitchen right after I cook, and I like the living room picked up by bedtime."
• Instead of: "I'm easygoing."
  Try: "If something bothers me, I'd rather mention it over coffee than let it build up."
• Instead of: "I'm active."
  Try: "I walk most mornings and spend a lot of the summer working in the yard."
• Instead of: "I love to cook."
  Try: "I cook most nights and usually make more than I need. I'm happy to share."
• Instead of: "I'm an animal lover."
  Try: "My 12-year-old cat sleeps most of the day and has the run of the house."

Notice that none of these give away where you go or when your house is empty. You can be specific about how you live without being specific about where you will be. (Our guide "Start with an ordinary Saturday" explains that rule in more detail.)

Questions that turn traits into habits

If you get stuck, try answering a "what do you do" question instead of a "what are you" question:

• Not "Are you neat?" but "After cooking, do you clean up right away, later that evening, or the next morning?"
• Not "Are you social?" but "How often do friends or family visit your home?"
• Not "Are you quiet?" but "What is usually playing in your house in the evening: the TV, music, the radio, or nothing?"
• Not "Are you flexible?" but "How do you like to handle it when something in the house bothers you?"
• Not "Are you independent?" but "On a typical day, how much time do you spend at home, and how much out?"

Keep it short

You do not need to write much. Try four or five specific sentences about your real life, then one clear sentence about what kind of household you hope to share. That is enough for someone to picture living with you and decide whether to say hello. Everything else can come out in conversation.

Staying safe as you get to know someone

Specific details are what make a profile useful, which is why it matters which details you choose. Before you post, read each sentence and ask: does this help someone picture living with me, or does it help someone find me?

Keep these off your profile. Your address or anything that points to it, the fact that you live alone, when your house is empty, the exact places you go and when, travel dates, health conditions, money matters, and details about your family. One test works for every sentence: does this help someone picture living with me, or does it help someone find me? Our guide "Honest, not everything: what stays off your profile" goes through the full list.

Get to know someone in steps. Each step lets you learn a little more before you share a little more.

1. Exchange messages through the site where you found each other, using your first name.
2. Talk on the phone.
3. Have a video call, so you can see that the person matches their photos.
4. Meet in a public place during the day, for an hour or less.
5. Meet again if you both want to, this time with your support person.
6. Only then, visit the home, with your support person there.
7. Before anyone signs or moves in: identity verification, a background check run with the person's written permission, references you call yourself, and a written agreement.

You can stop at any step, for any reason. "I don't think we're the right fit, but thank you for your time" is a complete answer.

Meet somewhere public. A library, a coffee shop, a senior center, a community center, or a restaurant at lunchtime all work well. Choose a place you know, with staff and other people around. Get yourself there and home again on your own, not in the other person's car. AARP's guide for people over 50 recommends meeting in public and keeping first meetings to under an hour³.

Bring your own support person. HomeShare Online does not send staff to meetings or home visits, so plan who will be with you. Ask a family member, friend, or neighbor you trust. Tell them who you are meeting, where, and when, and call them afterward. For the home visit, have them there in person.

Know the warning signs. Pause and talk it over with your support person if someone:

• asks you for money, a loan, or help with an emergency, however convincing the story
• sends a check for more than they owe and asks you to send back the difference⁴
• wants to pay or be paid by wire transfer, gift card, or cryptocurrency
• pushes to move the conversation off the site quickly, or always has a reason they cannot talk by video or meet⁵
• asks whether you live alone, when you are away, or where you keep things
• asks for your Social Security number or bank details before you have both decided to move ahead
• hurries you, asks you to skip a step, or suggests you keep it from your family

Conversation starters

If you are an adult child or friend helping with a profile:

• "You wrote that you're 'easygoing.' What does that look like on a regular Tuesday?"
• "If someone moved in, what's the first habit of yours they'd notice?"
• "What do you do when the dishes pile up?"

If you are an older adult talking with family or friends:

• "I'd rather say what I do than try to describe my personality."
• "Would you tell me honestly how tidy I am?"
• "Does this sound like my actual life, or like how I wish it were?"

You can be specific about how you live without being specific about where you will be.

Last reviewed September 26, 2026