Describe the Fit, Not the Perfect Person

Consider an example: a profile ends with "No smokers. No partiers. No drama. Don't bother if you're messy." Every one of those preferences is reasonable. Together, they make the writer sound hard to live with, which is probably not true.

The last part of a profile, the part about what you are looking for, is where many people get stuck. It is tempting either to list everything you want to avoid, or to describe your ideal person in detail. Both can backfire. There is a better way that keeps every one of your boundaries.

Say what you want, not what you don't

SilverSingles, a dating site for people over 50, advises against "don't message me if" statements and against turning your preferences into a checklist¹. The reason carries over to home sharing: a list of prohibitions can sound unwelcoming, even when each boundary behind it makes sense.

The fix is not to drop the boundary. It is to turn it into useful information about your household.

• Instead of: "No messy people. No partiers. No drama."
  Try: "I'm happiest in a fairly quiet, tidy home, and I'd probably live best with someone who enjoys the same."
• Instead of: "No smokers."
  Try: "This is a smoke-free home, inside and out."
• Instead of: "Don't bother if you don't like dogs."
  Try: "My dog is part of the household and follows everyone from room to room."
• Instead of: "No overnight guests."
  Try: "Daytime visitors are welcome. I'd prefer that overnight guests be rare and planned ahead."

The boundary is still there in each case. It has just become compatibility information that the right person will read and think, "That sounds like me."

Know your must-haves, and say them plainly

AARP's 2026 guide for people over 50 encourages knowing your nonnegotiables before you start, and being clear about what you want sooner rather than later². For home sharing, must-haves are usually about the household: smoking, pets, overnight guests, noise at night, shared meals, and how tidy the kitchen stays. If something truly is a must-have, say it once, calmly and clearly, as a fact about your home. You do not need to apologize for it or repeat it.

Describe the household, not the person

It can be tempting to write something like, "Looking for a quiet, professional, responsible woman who doesn't drink and likes dogs." That describes a person. Compare it with this, which describes a way of living:

"I think I'd be most comfortable with someone who enjoys a quieter household, cleans up shared spaces after using them, is at ease around my dog, and values both friendly conversation and time on their own."

The second version tells readers what daily life would be like and lets them decide whether they fit. It is also the more careful choice under fair housing law.

What the law says. The federal Fair Housing Act has an exemption, often called the "Mrs. Murphy" exemption, for owners who live in their own home and rent to others in a building with four or fewer units³. That exemption covers whom you choose, but it expressly does not cover what you say. The Act's rule against discriminatory statements and advertisements still applies⁴. In 2012, the federal appeals court for the Ninth Circuit, which covers Oregon and eight other western states, went further. It held that the Act does not apply to choosing someone to share your own home with, including advertising for that person (Fair Housing Council of San Fernando Valley v. Roommate.com). Courts in other parts of the country have not ruled the same way.

State and local laws can be stricter. Many states and cities have their own fair housing laws. Some have narrower exemptions than federal law, and some protect more groups, such as people who pay rent with a housing voucher. A preference that is allowed under federal law may not be allowed where you live.

The simplest way to stay on safe ground everywhere is to describe the home and its habits, not the person. Describing the kind of person you want, such as their age, sex, religion, race, national origin, disability, or whether they have children, can raise fair housing questions. Before you describe the person you hope to share with, read our guide "Choosing who lives with you, fairly" and, if you have questions, talk with a local fair housing organization.

There are no right answers

A person who wants a quiet home is not better than someone who loves a full house. Someone who hopes to share dinner is not better than someone who wants more privacy. The purpose of this section is not to sound agreeable. It is to help you find someone whose way of living works with yours, and to help the wrong fit recognize itself early, before anyone's time is spent.

Staying safe as you get to know someone

Describing what you are looking for can tempt you to explain why, and the reasons are often personal. You do not need to explain in your profile that you want company because you have been lonely since your spouse died, or that you need rent income to stay in your house. Those are exactly the details that people looking to take advantage search for. Save them for later, with someone you have come to trust.

Keep these off your profile. Your address or anything that points to it, the fact that you live alone, when your house is empty, the exact places you go and when, travel dates, health conditions, money matters, and details about your family. One test works for every sentence: does this help someone picture living with me, or does it help someone find me? Our guide "Honest, not everything: what stays off your profile" goes through the full list.

Get to know someone in steps. Each step lets you learn a little more before you share a little more.

1. Exchange messages through the site where you found each other, using your first name.
2. Talk on the phone.
3. Have a video call, so you can see that the person matches their photos.
4. Meet in a public place during the day, for an hour or less.
5. Meet again if you both want to, this time with your support person.
6. Only then, visit the home, with your support person there.
7. Before anyone signs or moves in: identity verification, a background check run with the person's written permission, references you call yourself, and a written agreement.

You can stop at any step, for any reason. "I don't think we're the right fit, but thank you for your time" is a complete answer.

Meet somewhere public. A library, a coffee shop, a senior center, a community center, or a restaurant at lunchtime all work well. Choose a place you know, with staff and other people around. Get yourself there and home again on your own, not in the other person's car. AARP's guide for people over 50 recommends meeting in public and keeping first meetings to under an hour².

Bring your own support person. HomeShare Online does not send staff to meetings or home visits, so plan who will be with you. Ask a family member, friend, or neighbor you trust. Tell them who you are meeting, where, and when, and call them afterward. For the home visit, have them there in person.

Know the warning signs. Pause and talk it over with your support person if someone:

• asks you for money, a loan, or help with an emergency, however convincing the story
• sends a check for more than they owe and asks you to send back the difference⁵
• wants to pay or be paid by wire transfer, gift card, or cryptocurrency
• pushes to move the conversation off the site quickly, or always has a reason they cannot talk by video or meet⁶
• asks whether you live alone, when you are away, or where you keep things
• asks for your Social Security number or bank details before you have both decided to move ahead
• hurries you, asks you to skip a step, or suggests you keep it from your family

Conversation starters

If you are an adult child or friend helping with a profile:

• "You've listed a lot of don'ts. What would the right person be like to live with?"
• "Which of these are true must-haves, and which are preferences?"
• "Let's describe the house and how it runs, rather than the person."

If you are an older adult talking with family or friends:

• "I have a few things I won't budge on. I want to say them kindly but clearly."
• "I don't want to explain in public why I'm doing this."
• "Would you read this and tell me if it sounds welcoming?"

The boundary is still there. It has just become compatibility information.

Last reviewed September 26, 2026