Getting to Know a Potential Match

Here is an example. A home provider and a home seeker have traded a few friendly messages and agree to talk on the phone. Neither is sure what to ask without sounding like an interrogation.

Compatibility is not about finding someone exactly like you. It is about two lives that fit in one home. Until you have signed an agreement, "no" or "not yet" is a complete answer, and you do not owe anyone more than a polite one. Once you have signed, the agreement and local law govern how either of you ends the arrangement.

Before you talk: get ready

• Know your firm and flexible preferences. Which two or three things truly matter, and which could you live with?
• Write down your questions and ask every person the same ones. It keeps your choices fair.
• Keep contact through your program, if you use one, or through a phone number you do not mind sharing until you have met and feel comfortable.
• Pay the other person nothing yet. No deposit, "holding fee," or personal documents to someone you have not verified, before you have met, seen the home, and agreed in writing. Disclosed fees charged by a program or platform, such as registration, screening, or background check fees, and signing consent for a background check are different: the FTC describes application and background check fees as part of screening¹. Confirm any fee on the organization's own website, not through a link someone sends you. Our guide "Spotting a home sharing scam" covers the warning signs.

The first call, the first meeting, and the home visit

The first call. Twenty to 30 minutes by phone or video is enough. Cover daily routines and the basics: rent, move-in timing, pets, and smoking. Video is optional. It can help put a face to a name, but it does not prove who someone is, whether they are honest, or whether they can rent the room. Technology, hearing, disability, and confidence all affect comfort on camera, so difficulty with video says nothing about honesty. A phone call, a meeting through a program if yours offers one, or meeting in a public place with a trusted person along works too.

The first meeting, in a public place. Choose a coffee shop, library, or community center during the day. Arrange your own transportation, tell someone where you are going and when you expect to be back, and keep it to about an hour. Bring a trusted friend or family member if you like.

Visiting the home. Visit only after a first meeting goes well.

• Home seekers: you are walking into a stranger's home, too. Tell a friend the address and time, bring someone with you if you can, keep your phone charged, and leave if anything feels wrong. Look at the actual room, the bathroom you would use, and the kitchen space you would have. Check for working smoke and carbon monoxide alarms, a lock on your bedroom door, and a safe way out in a fire.
• Home providers: have a friend or family member with you. Put away mail, checkbooks, medications, and anything with account numbers before the visit. Show the whole space you are offering, including the parts you would share.

Questions to ask each other

Both people interview, and both people answer.

• What does a typical day look like for you?
• How much time together do you hope for, and how much time alone?
• How do you keep shared spaces, such as the kitchen and bathroom?
• How often do you have visitors? Overnight guests?
• How often do you travel? Do you work from home?
• Have you shared a home before? What worked, and what did not?
• If something bothered you, how would you bring it up?

Home seekers can also ask: Who else lives here or visits often? Who else has a key? What does the rent include? How would we handle it if one of us wanted to end the arrangement?

How someone answers tells you a lot.

Checking references and bringing in a trusted person

References. Ask for two or three people, such as someone they have lived with before, a former home provider, an employer, or a longtime friend. Make the calls yourself, and where you can, look up a reference's number on your own. Useful questions: How do you know this person? Would you live with them again? How did they handle a disagreement? Did they pay what they owed on time?

Money. A home provider may ask a home seeker for a recent pay stub, benefit letter, or offer letter to show the rent is manageable. Look at it, do not keep copies you do not need, and handle it with care.

Identity and background checks. Our guide "Background checks and identity verification, explained" covers what to ask for and how to read the results.

A trusted person. Ask a friend or family member to sit in on a meeting or the home visit and share their impressions afterward. The decision is still yours.

When to walk away

Before anything is signed, consider walking away if the other person:

• Pressures you to decide quickly, or asks you personally for money before you meet
• Will not meet in any verifiable way (in person, through a program, or with a trusted person present), or will not let you see the home
• Tells a story that changes, or will not give references
• Asks about your bank accounts, savings, or passwords
• Discourages you from involving family, friends, or a program
• Brushes off your questions or will not put the arrangement in writing

A feeling that something is off counts, too. If you use a program, tell it what happened. If you met through a website, report the person there.

Conversation starters

If you are an adult child or friend talking with an older adult:

• "Would you like me to come to the first meeting? I will mostly listen."
• "Let's write down the questions you want to ask everyone."
• "After you meet, would it help to talk through what you noticed?"

If you are an older adult talking with family or caregivers:

• "I'm meeting someone for coffee on Tuesday. Here is where, and when I'll be home."
• "Will you call one of the references with me?"
• "I may meet several people before anyone feels right."

Both people interview, and both people answer.

Last reviewed September 25, 2026